Getting support from your partner, extended family, or community is a game-changer. Whether it is to pursue a hobby or share the housework, learning how to get more help is one of the most leveraged things that you can do. Without support, parenting can push you to the brink of burnout, triggering a vicious cycle of stress that impacts the whole house.

Unfortunately, it’s exceptionally common to feel like you’re carrying the load alone. This is particularly true in traditional heterosexual relationships, where household and childcare responsibilities still fall disproportionately on women.

It doesn't have to stay this way.

No one wins when you bear the brunt of the parenting load:

• Relationships fracture: Resentment builds, leading to co-parenting breakdowns.
• Kids miss out: Children are robbed when they are raised by a parent who is less joyful, energized, and supported.
• Workload dynamics are modeled poorly: Kids learn unfair dynamics by watching how household labor is divided.

Most of us enter parenthood without the specific leadership and negotiation skills needed to enlist others effectively. Necessity is often the best teacher.

Don't let how you approach the problem prevent it from being solved.

The energy we bring to the problem has a huge impact.

For example, when we focus on the fact that our partners should help and not how we are approaching the problem, we don't see the ways we are pushing help away.

As a child, I watched my mom push my dad's help away. It was heartbreaking seeing her doing way too much, and seeing how frustrated she was with him.  Ultimately, they divorced after many acrimonious years.

She did similar things with us kids. So we too were on the receiving end of her harsh criticisms of us for not helping. It is impossible not to take some of that personally when you are a little child.

3 practical steps to asking for (and getting!) help:

I recommend starting small.

If you need help with housework, don't ask for a complete lifestyle overhaul. People often say no out of fear that they can't deliver and/or because they aren't clear what all is involved. Build momentum through small, successful requests.

You may need to deal with your own doubts first.

If your request involves family resources (time, money, or effort), resolve your own doubts first. If you present an idea with hesitation, your partner will likely reflect that uncertainty back. This is especially likely because they haven't spent as much time thinking about the idea as you have. 

Step 1: Request a Dedicated Time to Talk

Avoid ambushing your partner during their five minutes of free time or in the middle of a chaotic moment.

Give them a heads-up:
"I’d love to brainstorm a few ways we can tweak our weekly routine. When would be a good 15-minute window for us to sit down without distraction?" Giving advance notice reduces defensiveness and allows them to show up focused and ready.

Step 2: Tell Your Partner Why It Is Important to You

Treat this conversation like a high-value proposal. State what you want clearly, focusing heavily on how the outcome benefits you, your partner, and the entire family.

Focus on what you want (not what you don't): Instead of saying, "I'm sick of looking at dirty dishes in the sink," focus on the positive outcome.

"I love seeing the sink empty and sparkling!"

Connect it to feelings: Frame the impact. For example:

"When the kitchen is cleared after dinner, I feel supported and relaxed, which gives me the energy to actually unwind with you in the evening."

One client told her partner that help with the dishes made her want to be intimate. She said she felt cared for and supported. Most partners want us to feel that way, so making that clear helped her husband see the dishes in a whole new light!

When you frame a task as a meaningful gesture rather than a nagging chore, helping becomes deeply motivating.When presented with a new request, human brains often drop into protective, logistical mode: Do I have time for this? Do I have the energy?

So expect your partner's initial reaction to include pushback, logistical doubts, or negative-sounding comments. I like to call this reflex The Grumble.

The Grumble is rarely a final answer. It's the first response.

Imagine if our kids stopped asking when they received our grumble?! Model after them!

Give your partner room to talk through their hesitations without getting defensive.

Treat this phase as a joint brainstorming session to spot and solve potential obstacles together.

Step 3: End on a High Note

Wrap up the initial discussion on a positive, appreciative tone, regardless of whether you reached an immediate agreement.

Reiterate your confidence in your partnership: "I know we’re both busy, but I’m confident we can find a solution that works for both of us."

Remind them of a time they successfully tackled a challenge for you or for the family. Expressing genuine faith in their ability to support you makes them far more likely to step up.It may sound counterintuitive, but it's powerful if you let your partner know you understand if they can't meet a specific request now or ever.

Why thank them for considering your request, even if they say no?

It makes asking for help a much more positive experience. When people feel cornered by demands, they resist. When they feel invited to collaborate, they are much more likely to want to engage. We are showing trust that they would have helped us if they could have, which makes them even more likely to say yes next time.

I used to think my first husband was demand-avoidant. In hindsight, I know that my approach often had him digging in his heels.

Taking the pressure off also validates reality: Try saying,

"I understand this week is packed for you, so if we can't implement this idea/ right away, I get it."

That shows them you view them as a partner, not a resource to be managed.

Demanding builds resistance.

Invitation builds cooperation.

Real relational shifts take time. Don't expect one conversation to fix a long-standing routine.

Plan to revisit the topic after you both have time to think more.

Use every conversation, even those that end in a temporary no, as valuable data on how to approach future discussions.

Moving Forward

If we want different results than we've had in the past, we need to navigate these conversations with intentionality and leadership. By shifting from reactive frustration to clear, collaborative communication, you pave the way for a happier home, a stronger partnership, and a more supported parenting journey. It's a great example of how some work on the front end can save a whole lot of work on the back end.

Let me know how it goes! What tip(s) did you find the most helpful? What area(s) do you want support in? I know how discouraging it can be, as someone who was not good at all at enlisting help. I promise you that focusing on this one skill can transform your family.