Chances are huge that at least some of the time, your kids need you to put LESS time and energy into their development (and more into your own).


A new mom told me recently about the sacrifices she plans to make so that she can focus 100% on her child as she grows. Yet what if that focus is part of the conditions that are creating more and more anxiety for children? The mom was surprised to hear me say that her approach could lead her and her sweet baby girl down the wrong path.

A few days later, a mom I'd coached told me how much she appreciated me telling her that her homeschooled son could use more benign neglect (see definition in the photo and below). Given how overtaxed most parents are, especially moms, I wanted to share this powerful tip with you too.

Intensive parenting is feeding into the epidemic of anxiety and depression. Don't get me wrong, focusing on being a great parent is very good. Most parents, though, are micro-focused on their kids' growth, while unaware of the negative side effects. If instead they focused some of that energy on their own growth as one of their child's most important leaders, everyone's mental health would be better.

We create the psychological air that our kids breathe.

When we focus too much on our kids and make sure their every need is provided for, it leads to anxious parents. It's impossible to be human and be happy all the time. Not only are we setting ourselves up to fail and making ourselves anxious, but we are also creating the psychological air that our kids breathe, so our anxiety contributes to our kids being anxious, too. (Of course, other things are feeding the mental health epidemic, but if you want your kids to have mental wealth, your mental headspace is crucial.)

Have you heard of benign neglect? It's a concept that could help your kids so much! As a high-achieving, devoted, and very conscientious parent, I wonder how this concept could help your children's maturation. What about how it might help your growth and development as your child's most important leader?

One way to foster benign neglect is to let your kids be bored, unhappy or uncomfortable sometimes. Kids need to learn how to be unhappy, bored, etc. If we focus on making sure they are always happy, guess what one of the negative consequences is? Children often get the message that being unhappy, bored, or uncomfortable is something to be avoided at all costs. Yet it's inevitable that some of the time we will be less happy, bored, uncomfortable or unhappy. Thinking that we shouldn't be that way just makes it harder to bear it.

If kids think they have to always be happy, what happens when they experience something very challenging? Our kids need to be able to withstand negative emotions to be resilient. Yet we often struggle to let them experience those emotions. We swoop in to help them, not realizing that we have fallen into a trap that can lead to having kids who get very anxious or depressed when they have to face challenges.

Children who aren't given a chance to be bored don't learn that they can stand this uncomfortable emotion. Even more important, they are deprived of the chance to learn that they can fix the problem themselves. Boredom can lead to great creativity and joy if we are allowed the space to figure out how to overcome it. Kids who don't know how to be bored are vulnerable to mental health challenges.

What do you think? Can you see ways that more benign neglect would be beneficial for your child? I'd love to hear your thoughts, including examples of what you could do to have more benign neglect in your family!