If you wonder if your kids are ever going to get along or become friends, you’re not alone. It can be incredibly heart-wrenching to watch the effects of sibling rivalry play out in your family. We often experience our longest relationships with our brothers and sisters. From birth they help us to learn how to deal with conflict and present us with natural competition that allows for personal growth. Ideally, we set our children up to have long-lasting love and support with each other. But the reality is that many siblings end up distancing themselves from each other over time or they completely end the relationship. Some of our deepest wounds can come from a sibling’s punch, literally and figuratively. Sibling rivalry can be massively destructive and aggravating for all parties involved. Thankfully, we can learn strategies to help you keep the peace while your children are young.

The best way to solve problems is to look at the underlying causes. Aggression is on the rise in children and in parents, and we often neglect to look at a powerful underlying cause, the dramatic increase in stress that families are experiencing.

Your Reaction

Is your instinct to get your fur ruffled up like a terrified cat when your kids are fighting? Your reaction to the conflict may be making things worse. In the heat of the moment, you have the power to stabilize the fight or ramp it up. This is not the time to scold or instruct. It’s not the right time to teach a lesson. We need to take a step back and allow ourselves to effectively get into prefrontal cortex (PFC) mode—where the brain makes rational decisions and moderates social behaviors. If we rush in, there’s one more kid in the room (us) who is also operating with our reactionary lizard brain. No wonder things escalate! Be gentle on yourself when you see your kids fighting; the harder you are on yourself, the more intractable the problem gets. Your mindset matters. Believe that the problem is solvable and it will help you find the solution, and you will solve it in less time.

Actionable tips:

● BREATHE while counting backwards and/or talking in a calm voice to them, while WALKING to them. This is even if they are hitting each other. Your calm presence will not only de-escalate things in the moment, it will help you start to rewire your brain to achieve calm, which will benefit you in the long run.
● Get BETWEEN your kids if they are hitting, while modelling breathing and calming yourself down.

Remember, you’re going to make mistakes sometimes. Go easy and give your-self grace. Can you begin to approach this with a growth mindset?  What does it look like when you do that? How does it feel?

Change is a process and stepping onto the road less travelled takes courage and bravery. We're here to help you with your journey.