Getting support from your co-parent, extended family or others, whether to pursue a hobby or help with housework, can be game-changing. Without support, parenting can redline us with stress, which in turn can lead to us losing it with our kids and fueling a vicious, downward spiral. Yet, it’s very common to be in a situation where your partner and others in your life aren’t giving you the support you want and need. This can be especially true in heteronormative relationships, where the responsibilities of parenting and maintaining a household are often borne more by the woman.
It’s not ideal for anyone when you are parenting without the support you (and your kids) so richly deserve. Not only does it lead to marriages and co-parenting relationships breaking down, but our kids see a poor model of workload distribution. Perhaps a less obvious but equally serious problem is that when we are working too hard and are stressed out, our kids are robbed of the gift of being raised by someone who is happy, has more energy and joy to share with them and who is in sync with their co-parent and/or others, which helps kids to feel like there’s a village supporting them.
How then, can you get out of this all-too-common situation? I’m delighted to share seven steps with you that can help you become someone who knows how to tap into people’s willingness to help, which may start out quite low, especially if you’ve had a conflict when you’ve asked for help in the past. (Soon I’ll be sharing a post about five things that dramatically reduce, if not kill, the chances of you getting help. That will be helpful if you’ve got a track record of failure in this department like I did when I started down this path to learning how to rock my role as my child’s most important leader.)
As a mom myself, and the founder of GPS, I am deeply grateful to have learned about the powerful pitfalls that stop so many of us from getting what we want and arguably need. Most of us start out parenting with far less of the leadership skills that we so dearly need in order to enlist others into helping us. Instead, we fall into the trap of assuming the other person will help just because they “should,” while failing to see that the way we are going about getting help may be working against us.
Here are seven steps you can follow to make it much more likely that you’ll have a productive conversation with your co-parent, or whoever you are asking for help:
1. Be clear on what you want, and why.
Often you will benefit greatly from spending some time becoming clear on what you want. For example, do you want help with housework? Of course, your partner should do his or her share, and being clear on what you’d specifically like help with can make it much easier for your partner to evaluate whether or not they can help. Many times, people will say no because they fear that they are committing themselves to too big a task. Starting small and building a successful pattern of asking and receiving help is the way to go. Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Often it pays to be a tortoise, even if you desperately need lots of help, as in the long run, that can be the more certain path.
Another reason to be clear before you talk to your partner is if what you want will take family resources, time, money, and effort. Part of being a good parent is making wise choices, right? The interesting thing is if you ask for help or support before you feel clear that the idea will work/is worth the effort, what’s your partner likely to do? Chances are, especially if they haven’t put the time in that you have to considering options, your partner may have doubts. If the person proposing the idea is uncertain of the outcome, how likely is their partner to want to try it? Even the most supportive partner can end up feeding back your doubt to you, when you may be hoping your partner will express faith in you and say that your idea can work. Take the time to make your case clear and explain why you think that your idea is a good one.
2. Ask your partner when would be a good time to talk.
Just because your partner has five free minutes, it doesn’t mean they want to discuss parenting, especially when it’s a conversation that may take time. Your partner may have been looking forward to a few minutes of quiet and/or just doesn’t feel up to a conversation that may require much thinking and/or has potential for conflict. Most people appreciate warning, rather than being ambushed with something that could take dedicated time and focus. Many men in particular may appreciate having warning that a conversation about something you want to change is wanted.
3. Present what you want.
It may help to think of this as a work proposal. Be clear about what you want (see number 1) and focus on the benefits that you and/or the family will receive. Sound simple?
Many people, especially women get tripped up here, in part because we are used to putting our wants on the backburner. Often, we have beliefs that the people closest to us should be offering us help and/or see what we are struggling with and dive in without asking. Those beliefs can result in us focusing on, and sharing, what we don’t want, instead of what we do want.
Start off by telling your partner how getting the help you are asking for will make you feel. Explain what you’d like help with; be specific and focus on what it would do for you if you had the help you are asking for.
For example, one of my clients wanted her husband to take care of all of the dishes after a meal, not just the ones that fit into the dishwasher. The classic trap is to tell our partners we don’t want to look at dishes in the sink, or to have to wash the last dishes, etc. In our coaching session, I helped her to focus on what she wanted instead of what she didn’t want. Then she added what it would provide for her, how she’d feel, if she got what she wanted. In this case, she said she’d feel loved and cared for by him, and then she made the connection that she’d even want to be intimate with him physically more often. Suddenly the dishes weren’t a mindless chore, they were a romantic, gallant gesture that by doing, her husband will win big time.
In one fell swoop, two of their marital problems were addressed; he wanted more physical intimacy and she wanted more help. She was demonstrating great leadership for her family by having the courage to learn how to ask for what she wanted. Her investment in her own leadership via learning a new approach has led their relationship in the direction that best served everyone, including their children.
Often times people are unaware of what a big deal the little things can be. Making it clear that your life would be better if you receive help (from whoever you may be seeking it from) and specifically how, can be very motivating, even when your response is much less dramatic than the example above. In my experience, nothing kills love more than not knowing how to successfully support and get what you want from each other. This is why I’m excited to start you down the road of learning to successfully asking for what you want. It’s a journey, not an instantaneous change, and it’s one of the most worthwhile ones that you can take!
4. Expect “the grumble!”
Chances are that your partner’s first response will include comments about why your idea won’t work, why the timing is off, or otherwise negative-sounding comments.
Just understanding that this initial response, which I call “the grumble,” is normal, can be transformative. When you understand that they aren’t necessarily giving you their final answer, it can make it easier for you to allow your partner time to process their doubts. After all, you’ve had time to think about this topic, and perhaps you’d feel the same if the tables were turned. Many great ideas start off seeming foolhardy to support, so give your partner time to think it through.
To understand “the grumble,” imagine that someone you care about is suddenly going to be in your area near dinner time. You are aware that they’d love to stay for dinner and/or may feel obligated to offer, but in the midst of a full day, what does your mind instantly do? If you are like most of us, you go into survival mode and start thinking logistically. Often, our first response is to say no, at least internally, and to go through all of the reasons why it seems impossible to have last-minute guests join you for dinner. Our minds throw up roadblocks: Do I have enough food? Do I have the energy? What about the kids’ homework? Sometimes though, when we are given a bit of time to think, possibly with a sympathetic ear to help us process, we can find a way to not only make it work, but to enjoy it too!
So, when your partner seems to be against your idea, remember “the grumble!” Give them time to think through the logistics to see if they can find a way to make it work. If you can be open with your expectations, sometimes your partner may even come up with a solution that you hadn’t thought about before. See this as true brainstorming, where they can express their doubts, and you can counter with your thoughts. They may bring up concerns that you hadn’t considered too, and help prevent future problems you hadn’t foreseen.
5. End the conversation on a high note!
End the conversation on a positive note. An example could be a vote of confidence that you will find a solution that addresses your partner’s concerns, as well as yours. Ask them to think over what you discussed, and to talk about it again.
Another example is to see if you can recall a time that your partner did something that was a challenge to orchestrate. Remind them of this, and how much you love and appreciate that they are the type of person to make hard things happen for you and the family. You can tell them that you know that it won’t be easy, but you are confident that if there is a way, they can help you to find it.
Two bonus tips that can make a big difference?
6. Tell them that if they can’t help you out this time, you will understand.
What?!
I know this can seem like we are throwing our own wants and needs under the bus. Bear with me for a minute and let me explain why this powerful tip can be so effective.
First off, the statement shows that you believe the person to be a good person, who would help you if they could. Oftentimes when we finally start asking for help, we are too full of resentment to go here. Fair enough, and I’d love to help you work on that first in order to make you much more likely to learn how to utilize this powerful leadership skill of asking for and getting the help that your family needs.
Realistically, if you think your partner is going to get out of helping you if possible, your belief will help make it so. We’ve all had someone treat us like we aren’t an upstanding person, right? How motivated are we to help when we sense the other person thinks we are lazy, unsupportive, etc.?
What else does it do when you tell someone you understand if they can’t help you? For one thing, you are validating their feelings and the fact that there may be real obstacles to them helping you. As well, you are showing them that they are not going to lose with you and make you mad if they can’t make it happen. People naturally want to succeed, so if you make it clear that just beginning the conversation surrounding more support is a win, your partner will be that much more likely to want to support you, at least by discussing things further.
The difference between demanding the support we deserve and asking for it is huge. What does it do to someone’s motivation when they are clear you think this is the least that they can do for you, as opposed to them being clear that you’ll be very appreciative? Employers often expect employees to just do their job; lack of appreciation is one of the main reasons why employees quit. Asking for what we want instead of demanding, and being understanding early on, can be game changers towards helping someone feel like your partner, and wanting to support you. Demands can make people feel like our lackey and cause avoidance because the most they can do is keep you from being mad at them.
To recap: tell your partner what you want, and give them time to see if they can find a way to help you. If they can’t for valid reasons, give them assurance that you trust they tried. Remember, you’re a team.
For example, you could say: “I know that it’s a challenge, and you have expressed some valid reasons why this may not be possible right now (say what makes sense for your situation). However, I also know that you’re always here for me and our family (state an example when this is true). So I know that if and when it’s possible, you’ll make it happen! And if you can’t, I will definitely understand and we can come up with another solution together.
7. Learn from the conversation and ask to talk again.
Don’t rush the process! Change takes time and effort, as does learning to solve problems together. In the long run, though, it is very powerful. Slow and steady - be the tortoise! Expect to schedule a second time to talk further and revisit your concerns. Big decisions and solutions may take multiple discussions and time to see the best results.
Depending on the circumstances, it may make sense to accept that you can’t have what you want this time. How we deal with not getting what we want and learning from it can be seen as a step towards getting the next thing we want or need as a co-parent! You can apply this learning the next time you implement these seven steps listed above.
GPS takes pride in helping parents learn from and overcome adversity to become stronger, because the better you can handle hardship in the moment, the better equipped and more likely you are to be successful at improving your circumstances in the long term. You’ve got this!
